Being connected with a sense of purpose can be a life changing experience.  It is natural that when one first feels an abundance of fulfilment, connection, and happiness, to become mildly euphoric and wish to share it with the world.  Before you do so, there are three things you should consider: Keeping your purpose private, who you should tell, and accepting change as a part of life.

Keeping Your Purpose Private

            Defining a purpose dramatically changes how you see the world.  It doesn’t mean that others, or even their expectations of you, change.  Many who find their purpose become proud of it and show it off like fine jewellery.  It is good to know your purpose, even to feel proud of yourself for finding one, but it would be a mistake to parade it before others.  If they are really interested in your purpose, they can figure it out in the wake of your activity.  And if they don’t care, then they don’t need to know.  Your purpose, after all, is your purpose. 

            Here are a few reasons to keep your personal purpose to yourself:  

Reason #1: Not Subject to Review

            When you share your purpose with others, you invite opinions.  People look at your purpose from their own point of view and decide if is good for them to have.  When they show disapproval, criticise, or even well-meaning modifications, they are not really helping you.  They are adjusting your purpose to make it fit with their interpretation of the world.  They assume they see the world perfectly and they are giving you advice to impart their “perfect view” for your benefit.  In reality they are just piggy backing on work you have done in your own contemplations, and they don’t realize that we all have valid interpretations of reality.

            Because friends and family love you, they possess the greatest power to influence your thinking.  They can easily derail a new found purpose with well-meaning intentions.  Self-defined purpose is personal choice, reflecting where you are in life and what is most important to you.  You don’t need to negotiate about the right prescription for your glasses and you don’t need to ask others about what you choose to value.

Reason #2: Damaging to Others

            People unintentionally influence each other all the time.  When you move with purpose, you become the model others want to copy.  However, directly adopting your life purpose as their own does more harm than good.  The perfect answer for you may not be the perfect answer for someone else. 

            Rather telling people your answer directly, simply choose to live a purpose filled life.  As you work to build the best version of yourself, people will notice, admire, and desire to be more like you.  Your life becomes an inspiration to others to start the process of finding their own answers.  As they look inward (rather than taking the easy path of accepting your external purpose) they find answers that are most suited to their interpretation and place in life.

            Human beings love short-cuts, doing what others have done, finding a cookie cutter to access purpose without the work of contemplation.  All short cuts which are external to the self, lead a person away from the inward process they must go through to discover their own true purpose.

Reason #3: Being Manipulated

            “If you want something done, give it to a busy person.”  This is the chant of the truly lazy.  There are hundreds of people who rather shuffle work on someone rather than do it themselves.  Ironically they often expend more effort trying to get others to do something than they would if they just done it themselves.  Lazy does not mean stupid; rather than spending their creative energy on being more productive they expend it on manipulation and management of others.  If such people learn of your purpose, they will find a way to use it to their own advantage.

            Manipulation happens on professional levels as well.  Sales people are trained to elicit your hot buttons to “help” you make a buying decision.  Lawyers may try to figure out what drives you to negotiate better deals on behalf of their client (not necessarily you).  There are people who are skilled in directing casual conversation to uncover your values and motivations.  As the majority are unaware of what goes on inside their heads, these gambits work well.

            You have taken steps to become a motivated individual by applying yourself to the philosophy in this book.  This material is intended for your benefit, not to the advantage of others who want to use you.  Your purpose is your motivational hot button.  Knowing it allows you to motivate yourself, by connecting purpose to the things you do.  Yet if others know it, they may twist it to convince you how your purpose is fulfilled by doing the jobs they want you to do.  So sharing your purpose makes it easy for others to manage you.  Giving away your purpose is like giving away the keys to your house… you may, but be sure you trust them first.

            As you have gone through the process of consciously choosing a purpose, you have some protection.  You are aware of the kinds of questions which elicit values so you are more aware when others ask the same sorts of questions.  When they do, you can make a conscious choice about whether or not it is in your interest to speak of your hot buttons.

Reason #4: You Become Unemployable

            I heard it said many times that a business is the realization of a dream.  However, if you don’t own that business, it isn’t your dream.  When you are employed, you are expected to dance to their tune; by following the purpose they assign you.  If you find your personal purpose at odds with your employer’s purpose, you may find yourself in a sticky dilemma.  Either you compromise your morals, or you risk losing your primary income.

            The easiest way out of this conundrum is through clarity.  If you are working for someone, that person is paying you for your time and labour to achieve their purpose.  There is nothing wrong with this.  For the last 20 years in my employment history, I would do everything in my power to achieve the objectives of the company.  In my mind, I never thought of myself as a servant.  Even though I was an employee, I never subjugated my purpose to theirs (as so many do.)  No matter my title, I saw myself as a subcontractor.  I was paid to work as an intelligent agent to help them achieve corporate objectives.  This attitude mad me popular with management as I was the guy who solved problems rather than created them. 

            The minute my shift was complete, I was on my time.  This was when the important work started.  Clarity about your relationship allows you to be clear between your time vs their time.  It is important to spend time every day on activities in alignment with your personal purpose.  What are you telling yourself when you spend 8 hours a day working on someone else’s purpose and zero hours working on your own?  Obviously, your own purpose isn’t important.   How can you justify not being a slave?

            You may have an excellent working relationship with your boss, but they have no business knowing what you do in your off hours.  Your purpose is yours alone.  At best, it invites unasked opinions and criticism, at worst they may consider your off-hour activities to be a conflict of interest. 

            Most people in the employment of others confuse personal purpose for what they do for a living.  In doing so their motivation is forever wired to their job and they lose the ability to direct themselves.  This keeps them a slave to the company they work for.  Even when they leave the job they still are bound to serve their industry because they have wired themselves to a particular line of work.  Never confuse your personal purpose with what you do in your job.

Reason #5: Enemies Unknown

            No matter how noble your purpose may sound to you, there will be others who disagree with it.  Sometimes it may just be out of jealousy or envy of your success.  Sometimes they just want to see you fall to support their cynical beliefs that life is hard.  These snipers take pot-shots from the shadows, throw up blocks, and you may not even know them. 

            I know it isn’t nice to consider, but negative people are out there.  Sooner or later you have to deal with them.  By being careful with who you share your purpose with, you are not unnecessarily placing a target on your backside.

Who to Share your Purpose with

            Sharing your purpose is like giving someone the keys to your home.  Sometimes it is the right thing to do, but it should only be done with people you know well and whose motives you trust.

1) Spouse

            Both parties in a marriage have committed to a long-term, legally binding relationship.  Yet couples often drift apart because their life path sets them in different directions.  Eventually the relationship falls into such disrepair it ends in divorce. 

            Creating a purpose together creates a foundation where both parties can grow in the same direction.  A clear sense of purpose isn’t the only thing you need, but it is a powerful asset to a happy, stable marriage.

            No matter how well-meaning you may be, you cannot force someone to find and accept purpose.  If you have to connive, persuade, bribe, threaten, or manipulate to gain agreement; it will sow ill seeds in your relationship.  A more submissive personality may agree to avoid an argument, but inwardly they won’t be pushed around.  Passive aggressive compliance, makes you believe you are on the same page as your partner, but secretly they are going in another direction.

            The easiest way to form a true purpose between you and your spouse is to lead by example.  Clarify your purpose and follow it, allow it to guide your actions every day.  Nothing is more charismatic than living with purpose.  They will want to know your secret, they will want to emulate you to feel that deep emotional fulfillment that comes with purpose.  Share methods that worked for you, and your experiences in finding purpose, allow others to be inspired. 

            Many people want to take the lazy route, “Oh just tell me…”  Development of purpose requires some independent thought.  Part of finding purpose lies in the effort to do so.  True purpose can’t be given, it must come from within.  Allow them time and space to find their own purpose. 

            Once your spouse has their own purpose share yours and seek to harmonize the two.  Don’t worry if they seem misaligned at first.  Often the underlying intention is the same, but the choice of words lead to semantic problems.  It may take some time and several iterations to have a purpose you both agree with. 

            This may take time, effort and thought.  Is it worth it?  How much is it worth to avoid several years of a tormented relationship that ends in a messy divorce?  How much is it worth to grow a healthy loving relationship knowing your partner is helping you to achieve that which is important to you as much as you help them.  A unified purpose is the starting point that creates a massive result over time, from accumulated results (as discussed in chapter 7).

2) A Business Partner

            In many ways a business partnership is similar to a marriage.  The success or failure of a corporate venture often depends on the strength of the relationship between the founders.  It can be of mutual advantage for both partners to be aware of the others purpose.  They take advantage of perspective and eliminate blind spots when you are too close to see them.  In this way you can work to your purpose, and have your business partner watching out for your purpose too, as you help them in theirs.

3) A Long Term Therapist

            Sadly, there are far too many incompetent therapists involved in psychology.  Plan on interviewing several therapists before you find one you can work with; it is well worth the effort.  A good therapist has extensive training in techniques to develop clarity in thinking and will have many experiences helping other clients with problems similar to your own.  They can provide you with valuable insights that may not be clear to untrained family members and friends.  The purpose of therapy is to improve your mental wellbeing, so they use their talents to promote happiness, stability and balance.

            Therapists are professionally, legally, and ethically bound to keep what you say confidential.  You can safely share your purpose and consider their feedback.  Often they may point out negative ramifications you haven’t considered.  A good therapist should be able to separate their own values from yours and help you clarify deeper intentions and the wording of your purpose. 

4) Your Mentor

            Like the therapist, a teacher is interested in helping you to grow by developing a specific skill.  Most teachers have an optimistic attitude and take great pride in seeing their students succeed.  They are not involved in sales and their pay is a flat rate, so they have no secondary agenda.  If your purpose falls within their area of expertise, then sharing it with them may give you valuable information which can help you both to clarify and achieve it.

Life Purpose is Not for Life

            Purpose is core to who you are.  It provides you with a guiding light which coordinates your actions.  Yet it is important to remember you are not a rock.  Nothing about you is unchangeable.  Your personality, your body, your mind, and yes, even your purpose change over time.  Change isn’t bad, it is simply the dynamic quality of being alive.  As you grow, you gain new experiences and have new ideas.  Your beliefs, values and cognitive systems adapt.  You shouldn’t be surprised that the “life purpose” which works so well for you today, is no longer valid 10 years from now.

            It is useful to run through your favourite purpose exercise once every year.  One of two things may happen.  Either you will reaffirm and reconnect to the purpose you have, refreshing your awareness and connection to it.  Or you will become conscious that it no longer feels right. 

            A hollow feeling isn’t bad, it is simply a sign you have grown.  Just as a snake needs to shed its skin from time to time, you too need to shed an old life purpose to grow into a new one.  Accept it, and try the exercise in chapter 22 that worked the best for you.